X is for, err...uhh....Xylophone??

It's a tough one, X. You've basicly got energy drinks, late night workout tape and fat burners, Bill Gates' video game, all-wheel drive on an Infiniti and the fattest, laziest, too-much-too-soon generation ever.
Yuck.

Just kill me

In College Football, X is wholly owned by Florida State, home to"athletic" "running" "mistake-prone" quarterback Xavier Lee, Wide Righter Xavier Bietta and incoming freshman Xavier Duncan.

Not a lot to work with.

And then it hit us: why not use the bitchin'est slay-music-belching, P-magnet instrument ever, the 11th century's answer to the piano, the kick-through the cinderblocks axe-chords of the Xylophone.

YEAHH!!!! Get PUMPED UP!!!! ITS GAMEDAY, GAMEDAY BABY!!!!!
GET PUUUUUUUMMMMMPPPPED!!!!!!

Wow. From greatest pre-game/tunnel run/max bench song ever to me peeing pants watching that video 10 times in a row. THUN-DAH!

Not sure where to go from there. So here's an evil robot from South Carolina...



and a fabulously pimple-faced science fair enthusiast who will probably save us all from the robots after he goes to Michigan:

Video Embed Disabled - Click-thru for video

And just for fun, two more fight songs on fabulously unacceptable instraments:


USC



Georgia Tech

R is for Rey'n'Erin

One part stalking sociopath wraith, one part chemise-sweatered kitten bait, together were 2008's Clearest-Metaphor Couple, their forbidden love a Karmic portrait of what SC would have done to Florida.

The Strange Judgement Index

5: "Minor" NCAA violations committed in last month by new head coaches whose previous college ooaching job was as USC O-Coordinators (Lane Kiffin 3, Steve Sarkasian 2)

17: Years in Kirk Ferentz contracted Iowa career - 10 to date, 7 in new contract extension signed last week.
12: Ferentz Games-over-.500 to date.
6: Ferentz game-over-.500 against Big 10
3-9: Ferentz vs Michigan and Ohio State
5-5: Ferentz vs Wisconsin
3: Finishes in Top 20 - 8, 8, 20
7: Ferentz bowl games
5: Bowls In Florida
0: Pasadena

2: Consecutive years in which MIchigan's starting quarterback has transfered - Ryan Mallet in 08, and Steven Threet this week.
2, 9: National Rank of those two players among QBs in the 2007 high school class (#1: Jimmy Clausen, 8-6 as a starter at ND)
97: Yards in TD pass thrown by Mallet to Mario Manningham in 2007, longest in MIchigan history, unquestionably the highlight moment of the Mallet-Threet Era.
3: Minimum number of schools Threet will have attended, having transferred to Michigan from Georgia Tech.

J is for Jailbreak

"Here they come!"

...cries Griese, measure and nuance chased from his voice, the only way the Pros call football's most arguably-racist but way-too-vivid-to-retire defensive euphamism. Can it be a coincidence that this call - this simple three-word alert -is the name of the music score for the Star Wars tie fighter attack, where the ragged band of heroes are hunted, surrounded and attacked from every side? Don't get cocky, kid.

That's the Jailbreak Blitz, football's most kinetic gamble, the 10-minutes of an 80s action-movie climax rolled into 7 seconds panic.

This clip was posted to show off Cal's Desean Jackson getting blow'd da'f up downfield, but ignore that, and focus instead on what Griese is seeing at the line of scrimmage, because its the Aliens-in-the-cieling, Uncus-chases-Magua, Give'em'Hell-54 flaming circus of rage called from the booth and lit by the safeties that lands in Jackson's grill.

Here they come.

C is for Confidence

Confidence Index

-42: Stanford v USC



I dug this one up from my EyeTV archive (brilliant product) and posted it myself. Had to be done.

I know my USC friends are currently brewing up a "how could you?!?" email. I'd be disappointed if they weren't.

Here's my Top 5 reasons:

1 - "No, we just didn't make it, I'm not gonna worry about that."
2 - "We dropped a couple balls, ya know, we had guys open and stuff like that."
3 - "Stanford did a nice job down there on the goal line."
4 - (laugh) "We'll be alright."
5 - "We'll get this done."

The Index Ain't Been Sober Since Maybe October Of Last Year

Five Deep Breaths, courtesy 2004
3: Winning margin, USC-Stanford, last weekend in September.
6: Winning margin, USC-Cal, very next game.
8: Winning margin, USC-Oregon State, first weekend in November.
5: Winning margin, USC-UCLA, last game of season.
36: Winning margin, USC-No. 1 Oklahoma Orange Bowl, for the national title.


Five More Deep Breaths, courtesy 2005
4: Arizona State lead with 3:44 left in game, USC-ASU, first weekend in October.
7: USC lead early in the 4th quarter, USC-Arizona, very next game.
3: Winning margin, Northern Indiana Affair, very next game.
6:22: Time remaing in game when USC took lead, USC-Fresno State.
47: Winning margin, USC-No. 11 UCLA, very next game.


And now: Inhale... Hold... Exhale... 2006!
6: Winning margin, USC-Washington State, last weekend in September.
5: Yardline on which USC intercepts WSU Hail Mary on final snap.
6: Winning margin, USC-Washington, first weekend in October.
15: Yardline on which UW's final drive stalls, despite copious time-management assistance from refs.

EA-SY! Breath! BREATH!!!!

(by way, anybody get the title of this post yet?)

Just what do we have here:

1. Two up-market football teams blow a season's worth of want-to and luck in their once-a-year shot at the shiniest program in the country (consider: UW scored a TD on a fake kick(!) but SC was the team playing with house money? Really?)
2. With SC breaking in a new QB.
3. In the the last weekend of September and first of October.
4. And, just like at least 10 times in the past two years, it almost worked.
5. And, just like at least 10 times in the past two years, SC came through.

So what is the general concensus? From today's ESPN CF podcast:

David Albright, to Ivan Maisel: "...maybe you can figure out what's wrong with USC."
Maisel: "They are having more trouble than anybody dreamed, aren't they?"

Or from the AP's story on Florida leaping-frogging USC to No. 2:

Mike Radano of the Courier-Post in Cherry Hill, N.J. [ed - Courier-Post's nearest IA teams: Temple and Rutgers], was one of many voters to move Florida ahead of USC this week. "USC hasn't been its same dominant self," Radano said. "I thought they got a little fortunate yesterday."

Really? USC got 'a little fortunate' but Florida, after beating LSU, is the New Economy? Sure about that? Let's take a look:

5: LSU turnovers.
52: Consecutive I-A teams to lose after committing 5 turnovers in a game, according to CBS (last team to win with 5 turnovers: LSU! ta da!)
1: LSU fumbles in endzones recoverd by LSU for FLA safety.
16: Florida points off turnover/kickoff-safety.
1: LSU punts blocked.
2: LSU turnovers in Florida Redzone.
1: Florida yardline LSU's Jamarcus Russell fumbled on in second quarter.
17: Plays in drive leading to fumble.
1: Number of offensive plays later that Russell threw an interception.
2: LSU first-play-interception drives.
10: Seconds into second-half Florida scored safety when LSU returner fumbled kickoff, recovered in endzone and was tackled (NOT one of the 5 turnovers).
14-102: Florida Penalities-Yards penalized. That's 7 penalites per spots in AP poll. Sounds like a contender.

But Florida is No. 2 (next to Holy Writ Ohio State) and USC was 'very fortunate.'

Didn't we already sit through our annual eruption of irrational SEC exuburance after Cal-Tennessee? Didn't it take Air Force one week to burst that bubble?
And wasn't Auburn already composing outraged letters last week about being left out of the BCS championship game?

Pardon while I fail to evacuate my bowels trying to decode the many enigmas of Florida's offense, like 'if Tebow comes in, just what kind of Mad Scientist-shit is Urban trying to pull?'