Fiesta Bowl - Ohio State-v-Miami

9:40 – You’re looking LIIIIIVVVVEEEEE at Jeremy Yards, and we’ve got Jeremy and Casey, plus regulars Jason and Kristy, along with the batman and Mandy. Jason and Kristy are a fun twosome who had an alcohol-free wedding reception.
9:41 - Right now it’s the Batman flying solo with the remote cuz all of the above are out back smoking. Mandy smokes only when she drinks, which is tonight. But in a greater sense, Georgians kills me – their gene pool is allergic to cold. My girlfriend brings jackets and gloves to movie theatres. But its got to be in the low 50s-high 40s out there, the wind is whipping through the pines and the air – as always – is heavy with moisture. I know cold and it’s BRUTAL out there – yet they all run outside to smoke.
9:44 – You know the Outback ad where the guy is making dinner and he says, “it’s my mom’s special recipe” and its this hideous dirt-pie in corningwear and the girl puts the dog on the table to start eating it? Same idea with Kristy’s contribution to the evening: green bean casserole.
9:54 – There’s another guy here whose name I forget – He’s been around for a few Friends episodes and kind fits that ambiguously gay category. He starts quizzing me, what’s your favorite TV show (he can’t understand how I don’t like Friends), what’s your favorite car, what kind of music do you like. Once again, glad I left the Frankie Goes to Hollywood t-shirt on the hanger.
9:57 – Kirk Herbstreet, on the pregame show, tells us there are flyers circulating South Florida for a “victory party” tomorrow night, hosted by Willis McGahee. And Corso – who was 1-11 on the year – just picked the Canes. Karma wise, the rout is on.
8:00 – Keith Jackson (FINALLY!) opens with a Woody Hayes quote, “Anything easy ain’t worth a damn.” Nice. Keith, we missed ya.
8:01 – Jeremy just pulled the steaks off the grill. Wow. I think he skipped Winn Dixie (meat for the masses) and got these from Publix (upscale, recycled-grocery-bags-to-load-in-the-Rover grocery store). Good decision. This is exactly the kind of steak you will NEVER see at Outback.
8:03 – Just got the word – THE SLUTS ARE COMING BACK! Yes.’
8:04 – ABC cuts to commercial with Limp’s Rollin, which is as good a time as any to go get a hot roll. Jeremy is all about good chow. By the way – is playing cheesy florida-band Limp Bizkit at all prejudicial for ABC?
8:07 – Let’s get this out of the way early: The Bowflex ad on right now guarantees you “the body you want” in “just 6 weeks.” Really? It’ll get me in shape in just 6 weeks? We are a nation of sheep.
8:10 – The Air Force Singing Sergeants do the national anthem. Yes, that’s 100 times better than SheDaisy, and yes, everyone with a real job in the Air Force despises and giggles at the people who draw their paychecks doing Up With People gigs.
8:16 – Coin flip, featuring the astronauts of shuttle mission 110 – I DID THAT! I was on the TAL support for 110 about 6 weeks ago! They launched the night SC crushed UCLA. I would say that game was a “launching pad” for Blaine to the Heisman and SC to the big time but… well, I guess I did. I’ll take a lap.
8:17 – Dan Fouts is no Coy Detmer, but he is STILL an ugly man.
8:18 – Ohio State’s Tressel won 4 national titles at Youngstown State. That goes for quite a bit – his staff and his key players will probably be very disciplined and organized in the clutch.
8:19 – They show a tape of Miam’s Coker, and Jeremy – who is 5-11 of good ol’ boy - says, “Know who he sounds like? John Michaels daddy. Don’ he sound like John Michaels Daddy?” I love Georgia.
8:20 – We’re underway! And on OSU’s first play, there’s a flag before the snap. The game is already dragging.
8:21 – As Clarett is dropped for a loss, we’re told OSU’s whole line is juniors. Michigan and Ohio State might be 1-2 in next seasons preseason.
8:22 – His offense otherwise useless, QB Krenzel takes off up the middle and gets 8. He looks like he wants to play.
8:23 – Punt. Kristy, in a discussion of the Sluts Wednesday night outfits, says, “We’ll see what they wear tonight when it’s damn 40 degrees out!” Kristy, in small doses, kills me.
8:24 – Dorsey takes a sack and calls timeout with only 27 minutes to play in the half.
8:27 – The stats tell us OSU is awesome against the rush, but bad against the pass. Iowa had exactly the same stats.
8:28 – Miami picks up the first with a pass over the middle.
8:32 – After 2 first downs, Dorsey takes a sack, his second tonight versus 17 in the last 2 years. A Miami punt pins OSU at the 1.
8:41 – Dorsey’s first big pass, over the middle for 30 to Kelvin Winslow.
8:43 – Miami burns another TD – get ready for a touchdown. I don’t see Miami wasting 2 timeouts in the first 10 minutes with no points.
8:44 – “Now That’s What I’m Talkin’ About !” yes!
8:46 – Incomplete.
8:47 – OSU sends a HUGE blitz – Mike Doss right up the middle, untouched, full sprint. Dorsey does a little “ole!” to the left, Doss flies by him, Dorsey delivers over the middle for a TD, 7-0 Miami. That looked easy, Timeout snafus aside.
8:49 – OSU goes deep, and one Miami DB volleyballs it to another for an INT. We’re an out-and-up away from a blowout.
8:50 – Jeremy emerges from his bedroom wearing a well-worn “FireRonZook.com” shirt. He hates the guy. He can’t even talk about the reverse against Michigan.
8:53 – Miami punts. OSU has managed to hold against the emerging avalanche. McGahee can’t seem to run, which is a big part.
8:55 – With 28 seconds in the Q, OSU picks up its first first-down.
9:00 – Clarett keeps when he should have handed-off on a reverse, and gets dropped for a loss when the entire Buckeye team is on the other side of the field, expecting to block for the reverse. OSU’s defense is holding, but the offense is still on the bus.
9:01 – Krenzel looks confused.
9:06 – Psycho Hose Beasts are stalking Shane! Shane’s is guy who is from here and is now a Secret Service agent in DC (for now, his job is foreign diplomat details, taking the president of Zambia to the DC Galleria and shit) and apparently he’s in town for the holidays. And he’s being stalked by a girlfriend-hoochie of unclear origin. Also, he weighs, tops 110. So Kristy just left to go let Shane put his truck in their garage, so the hose beast won’t know he’s still in town if she drive-bys their house.
9:07 – Dorsey Intercepted. I thought that wasn’t supposed to happen. I thought Dorsey was unpickable, OSU non-pick-capable. OSU is sticking around against a better team, just like Michigan did with Florida.
9:08 – Slut #3 arrives, with her golfer boyfriend. I’m not sure if it’s the Callaway cap or the golf sweater with cheesy crest, but either way, this guy is broadcasting his golfness.
9:10 – Clarett takes the ball and dances behind the line until somebody hits him. And Mr. Callaway has a 100 bucks on Miami.
9:11 – Delay of game on OSU. That’s 4 penalties (Iowa had 5 in the first half).
9:12 – WHAT? OSU tries a fake field goal and goes nowhere. They have an All American kicker. What was that? Worse, they executed it in slow mo. Niether team is charging in this game. That’s the only word I can think of.
9:13 – AFLAC trivia question: last national champ to be led in rushing by a freshman – Gotta be Georgia.
9:17 – Dorsey on 2nd and 11 throws for 15. That looked easy.
9:21 – Interception, OSU on a perfect Dorsey throw that his receiver cold missed. They are letting OSU stay in this game.
9:21 – Clarett gets 5, and the AFLAC Q is Georgia and Hershell Walker.
9:23 – Krenzel thows in the endzone, but its caught out of bounds.
9:27 – Gutsy? Krenzel takes a 4th and goal and pushes in, twisting out of the arms of two Miami guys. That looked and felt more like a desperation playcall than anything grounded in confidence. Shane just walked in with Kristy: Apparently, he messed with some girl here or in Jacksonville, or maybe both, and now she won’t let it go. Apparently, when they were driving from Valdosta to Jax, one of his DC hotties called his cell, and he made the mistake of answering. Now he’s hiding vehicles in friends houses and counting the days until he gets back to the Pres. Of Zambia.
9:33 – OSU strips Dorsey for a fumble, and Miami is officially in full retreat. Not like Rutgers, is it Ken? Or Temple? Seriously, I’m getting pissed thinking about this.
9:36 – Clarett winds it in for TD, OSU’s second in about 2 minutes and like Michigan against Florida, Ohio State is winning a game they shouldn’t be in.
HALFIME
– on the U of Miami commercial, between the pictures of microscopes and libraries and volleyball games, they squeeze in the bouncing image of the 3 blondes in the stands from FSU game. I KNEW they were going to make the big time.
- Ladies and Gentlemen… Warren Sapp’s sweater. Just something about Miami…
9:57 – The Eddie George-Warren Sapp halftime was the perfect way to fill the time. No bands, no stage shows, no idiotic onfield contests. Just get two alums from the pros to sit there and show how much this game means.
9:58 – I’ve decided on the most shameful ad campaign of the season: Selling Pontiacs with James Brown songs.
9:59 – I spoke too soon. We have a VERY stupid halftime contest, cheerleaders kicking field goals. And it involves GUY cheerleaders. This is sickening.
10:00 – Miami’s guy kicks wide right. Irony y’all.
10:02 – That was painful. OSU was 2 for 2, Miami missed both, and Kristy recounted the time from her cheerleading days she jumped up for a toe touch and ended up falling on her ass.
10:06 – Miami is quitting. On a third down swing pass, the receiver pulls up and tries a pretty spin – and misses the first – where if he would have put his head down and dove,he would have got it. And the marker was at his feet, so there’s no way he missed it.
10:10 Krenzel is the game’s leading rusher.
10:13 – OSU busts a 57 yard pass, longest of the year. First hint of offense all night.
10:14 – WOW. I think OSU is going to win. Miami intercepted in the endzone, but Clarett came across the field and stripped the ball back from the DB. Am I the only guy who just flashed DIE-RECTLY back to the 93 Alabama game in the Sugar Bowl? That was pure hard work. That’s the first indication from either team that they came to play.
10:15 – Brandt says “Clarett stripped him from behind.” Callaway says “I feel like I took it from behind.”
10:16 – Somebody asks him why he bet Miami. Cuz he needs to get back his 100 from betting on Florida State. And why would he have bet a quarterback-less FSU? “I like the underdog,” he says. Mandy says, “Well, you bet on the wrong dawgs!” He’s already a C-note in the hole and staring at another, but Mandy piles on anyway – that’s my girl.
10:17 – Field goal, Ohio State, 17-7. Clarett’s play aside, this game sucks. The phone just rang.
10:18 – Now THIS is unbelievable. The phone call delivers the news that the other two Sluts, sisters, won’t be coming because their mom went out of town and got married this week and didn’t tell anybody and they just found out. I will SO miss Georgia.
10:20 – I am RUNNING this broadcast. ABC just cut away to a highlight of the 1993 Sugar Bowl, and the infamous strip. My commentary over the clip: “Oh look at me I’m so good I play for Miami and I- Oh NO where’d my ball go, I guess I suck!!!” Picked up some GORGEOUS stink-eye from Callaway.
10:29 – OSU is on the move, with a nice pass play, but out of bounds. I think both teams are trying to do things, but they aren’t executing at all. Not blocking, not catching, not anything. And the defenses are just benefiting from the mess.
10:30 – Punt out of bounds. Poor execution.
10:36 – Dorsey throws incomplete, with nobody nearby. Somebody ran the wrong route. Execution.
10:35 – Winslow picks up a big 20+ down the middle.
10:36 – McGahee arrives. He picks up a right side run, and scrambles through defenders like he means it for an extra 5.
10:37 – Incomplete, wrong route in the endzone.
10:39 – Timeout Miami. Around the room, a discussion on the evening’s grilling turns into a tube steak-and-marinade jokefest. Not my kind of humor but at least people are distracting themselves from this game.
10:40 – Miami picks up a third down for a first and goal.
10:41 – McGahee TD, 17-14. Is Miami finally waking up to take control here?
10:50 – OSU goes 3 and out and will punt on the 4th’s first play.
10:53 – McGahee drives for a first down. He and Miami are in a rhythm.
10:54 – First down Miami, and Callaway is like to burst.
10:56 – Winslow – Huge catch for a first on third down. Winslow can play. IN fact, OSU can’t stop him.
10:59 – Don’t look at it! McGahee just torqued his knee BIG time. Oh man, that is gruesome. It’s not Krumerie, or whoever that Browns guy was in the Super Bowl, but it’s definetly rated M for mature in slow-mo. No reason why Miami can’t keep on without him, but that is hard to watch.
11:00 – Field goal attempt – 54 yards. Not even close. Somebody check and see if that wasn’t one of those halftime cheerleaders.
11:04 – Krenzel gets WWE crushed on a sack.
11:09 – Krenzel reminds Mandy of Case Spencer, a guy from High School she says she should have snapped up. You mean the quarterback? I say. No, she says, he didn’t play football, you just thought his name sounded like a quarterback when I told you.
Oh. THAT Case Spencer.
11:10 – OSU attempts a FG – wide right. Callaway called it. I’m not sure which team wants to win less.
11:13 – Winslow for 13 yards.
11:14 – Winslow for 12 yards.
11:16 – Callaway and Kristy just played the racial card as Miami fumbles.
11:19 – Clarett comes off with a cramp. There’s no excuse for that. That’s just not drinking water, and it’s 2003. There’s no way an athlete, in cool desert air, should cramp up.
11:20 – Krenzel on third down without Clarett, scrambles forward, puts his head down and gets the first. Krenzel and Winslow, and a few guys on the defense, are the only two guys who want to win.
11:24 – The Garth Dr. Pepper ad turns into a discussion of his maritial problems. Yip, this shootout has really got a stranglehold on this group’s attention.
11:26 – OSU punt.
11:27 – Callaway: “Give that N-r some room!”
11:29 – Dorsey takes a sack: “Stupid cracker!” At least he’s consistent, and in his defense, he’s looking at $200.
11:30 – 3 seconds to go, down to this Miami field goal.
11:31 – Callaway goes outside to smoke. Apparently, racial shit behind him, he’s spent. Timeout on the field.
11:32 – Miami guy is 3-for-6 this year from this distance. Considering the situation, this is so not-exciting.
11:34 – We’re going to OOOOVERTIME!

Me and Callaway agree on one thing – OU or SC would be walking away with a 20 point win right now against either of these teams. I guess this might be a great defensive game and I’m missing it, but no, I just see missed opportunites and uninspired play. Except for Winslow and Krenzel, and Clarett on that strip. Winslow is a man.

11:40 – Miami picks up a 3rd and 1 and Winslow scores the TD for Miami. Back on the bench, Dorsey pulls his guys together and yells “This ain’t over! Get it in your mind you have to go back out there! Get in your mind right now!” I remember watching him do the same thing against FSU. He looks a lot less like Toby McGuire when he does that.
11:50 – After a sack and some incompletes, OSU picks up a 4th-and-15 with a PERFECT out route to Jenkins. This game won’t die.
11:51 – Krenzel scrambles up the middle and takes ANOTHER lick. I think he’s gotten hit more than any two guys on his team. Krenzel’s a gamer.
11:53 – pass interference on Miami on the would-be game winner. I don’t know about the call, but the corner was cold-beat on the play so it seems fitting. Miami came off the bench and had to go back. That has to be a major buzzkill.
11:01 – Clarett scores. And they get a motion penalty on the PAT! Come on… 2nd OT
11:04 – After Krenzel mixes in some passes, Clarett takes it in on a nice dive up the middle.
11:05 – On second down, Dorsey gets absolutely wrung up. He tries to get up and falls over. He’s out. Huge hit. Can Miami get in the endzone without the 4th and 5th Hiesman vote getters?
11:06 – Back up Crudup is in. I’d call a fade to the EZ corner. Last thing OSU would expect.
11:08 – After Crudup connects for 8 yards, Dorsey comes in on 4th down. Nice. These aren’t the two best teams in America, but they got guts. Over on the couch, Jason just figured out, in a separate conversation, that the Bears played the Patriots in the Super Bowl in 86 cuz he “knew it was the team with the guy squatting on the helmet.” Yip, that’s the Pats.
11:10 – 4th and 3, season on the line. I wonder if they’ll go to Winslow. Gee, I can’t stand the suspense.
11:11 – WINSLOW! Wow. That OSU didn’t throw a net over him on that snap is unbelievable. And he draws a face mask!
11:13 – There have been 187 plays in this game. OSU Gamble has played 118 of them. I’d throw at him.
Miami at the 2 – Run for No gain. Incomplete. No gain on a run. Could McGahee have got it? Good question. OSU is playing tough, but then, Miami is Miami and they can’t pick up 2 yards for a national title?
11:17 – 4th down. Can I get down my car title and a year of paychecks on this play going to Winslow?
11:18 – Your 2002 National Champion, the Ohio State Buckeyes. Callaway: “Fuck this shit, we’re going home.” He and slut #3 are gone before Dorsey pulls himself off the turf.

Bottom line: Miami turned the ball over 5 times and it still Ohio State 3 fourth downs, a bad penalty and 2 OTs to beat them.
They played hard. They put on a dramatic show. Dorsey is a man, Krenzel (the game’s leading rusher – 81 yds to Miami’s team total of 65) is a man, Clarett is just flat gifted beyond anybody else on the field, Doss can bring heat and Winslow might be the best college player in America (11 catches for 122).
And SC or Oklahoma would have beat either one by 20.