Monday, October 09, 2006

The Index Ain't Been Sober Since Maybe October Of Last Year

Five Deep Breaths, courtesy 2004

: Winning margin, USC-Stanford, last weekend in September.
6: Winning margin, USC-Cal, very next game.
8: Winning margin, USC-Oregon State, first weekend in November.
5: Winning margin, USC-UCLA, last game of season.
36: Winning margin, USC-No. 1 Oklahoma Orange Bowl, for the national title.

Five More Deep Breaths, courtesy 2005

: Arizona State lead with 3:44 left in game, USC-ASU, first weekend in October.
: USC lead early in the 4th quarter, USC-Arizona, very next game.
3: Winning margin, Northern Indiana Affair, very next game.
6:22: Time remaing in game when USC took lead, USC-Fresno State.
47: Winning margin, USC-No. 11 UCLA, very next game.

And now: Inhale... Hold... Exhale... 2006!
6: Winning margin, USC-Washington State, last weekend in September.
5: Yardline on which USC intercepts WSU Hail Mary on final snap.
6: Winning margin, USC-Washington, first weekend in October.
15: Yardline on which UW's final drive stalls, despite copious time-management assistance from refs.

EA-SY! Breath! BREATH!!!!

(by way, anybody get the title of this post yet?)

Just what do we have here:
  1. Two up-market football teams blow a season's worth of want-to and luck in their once-a-year shot at the shiniest program in the country (consider: UW scored a TD on a fake kick(!) but SC was the team playing with house money? Really?)
  2. With SC breaking in a new QB.
  3. In the the last weekend of September and first of October.
  4. And, just like at least 10 times in the past two years, it almost worked.
  5. And, just like at least 10 times in the past two years, SC came through.

So what is the general concensus? From today's ESPN CF podcast:

David Albright, to Ivan Maisel: "...maybe you can figure out what's wrong with USC."
Maisel: "They are having more trouble than anybody dreamed, aren't they?"

Or from the AP's story on Florida leaping-frogging USC to No. 2:

Mike Radano of the Courier-Post in Cherry Hill, N.J. [ed - Courier-Post's nearest IA teams: Temple and Rutgers], was one of many voters to move Florida ahead of USC this week. "USC hasn't been its same dominant self," Radano said. "I thought they got a little fortunate yesterday."
Really? USC got 'a little fortunate' but Florida, after beating LSU, is the New Economy? Sure about that? Let's take a look:

5: LSU turnovers.
52: Consecutive I-A teams to lose after committing 5 turnovers in a game, according to CBS (last team to win with 5 turnovers: LSU! ta da!)
1: LSU fumbles in endzones recoverd by LSU for FLA safety.
16: Florida points off turnover/kickoff-safety.
1: LSU punts blocked.
2: LSU turnovers in Florida Redzone.
1: Florida yardline LSU's Jamarcus Russell fumbled on in second quarter.
17: Plays in drive leading to fumble.
1: Number of offensive plays later that Russell threw an interception.
2: LSU first-play-interception drives.
10: Seconds into second-half Florida scored safety when LSU returner fumbled kickoff, recovered in endzone and was tackled (NOT one of the 5 turnovers).
14-102: Florida Penalities-Yards penalized. That's 7 penalites per spots in AP poll. Sounds like a contender.

But Florida is No. 2 (next to Holy Writ Ohio State) and USC was 'very fortunate.'

Didn't we already sit through our annual eruption of irrational SEC exuburance after Cal-Tennessee? Didn't it take Air Force one week to burst that bubble?
And wasn't Auburn already composing outraged letters last week about being left out of the BCS championship game?

Pardon while I fail to evacuate my bowels trying to decode the many enigmas of Florida's offense, like 'if Tebow comes in, just what kind of Mad Scientist-shit is Urban trying to pull?'

Sunday, October 08, 2006

David Boren Weighs In On Texas-OU

OU President David Boren despairs at the decent officiating behind this OU loss... or maybe realizes his mom has been sitting on the pack of cigs he was hoping to raid.

Friday, September 29, 2006

The Bear/Woody/Bo/Joe Pa of Alaska

I run two blogs - this one, and an occasional look at the distinct insanity of living in Alaska.

Well, last week up here, the toughest footbal coach in America died after heart surgery.

Here in Alaska, we have no college football, the only state without it. That leaves high school, where the first games are played in mid July and the State title is decided in October.

Like everything in Alaska, it's a little different.

None of that diminishes the memory of Buck Nystrom, whose legacy matches his name.

Coaching in the 40-below-in-November Fairbanks area, first at tiny Eielson and then nearby North Pole (yip, North Pole, a town with almost as many Santa-themed giftshops as oil refineries), Nystrom won two state titles. He remains the only non-Anchorage coach ever to win State (needless to say, Anchorage, with its huge schools, is the giant black hole at the center of Alaska high school sports).

Nystrom died after heart surgery last week, which is ridiculous because anybody who coaches North Pole High school to a state title ain't lackin' heart.

Here's one for ya: When Nystrom won his second title with North Pole, they trounced several Anchorage teams in the playoffs. Afterwards, Nystrom would tell people it was his first real title because when he won it all with Eielson, their path that year hadn't gone through any Anchorage teams.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Just How Big A Boy Are Ya?

A feature from the New York Times Magazines on Ole Miss lineman Michael Oher. Its excerpted from Michael 'Moneyball' Lewis' new book.

No matter what you had planned for the next 15 minutes, don't stop reading until you get to the part about the bus.

Monday, September 25, 2006

OU President Weighs In On ND-Mich. St game

The President of boohOU, David Boren, who called for the OU-UO game to be erased from the record book (original letter, PDF), has weighed in on this weekend's most improbable comeback:

Dear Big 10 Commissioner Jim Delany:

To describe the lapses in testicular fortitude at the Notre Dame-Michigan State football game last Saturday as constituting an outrageous injustice is an understatement. As I asked my commissioner a week ago after a game was similiarly “won” by the totally wrong team, I must look to you to launch a vigorous effort to correct the situation.

On behalf of Michigan State University, I ask that you as Big 10 Commissioner take the following actions:
  • First, seek an apology from the Notre Dame coaching staff, players and everyone wearing skirts along their sideline regardless of gender (what’s the deal there, by the way?), for the gross inconsideration they showed playing hard in the fourth quarter. This is a particularly outrageously understated injustice, considering the docile behavior extended to MSU’s public sister-school from Ann Arbor a week prior.
  • Second, it is my understanding that the Big 10 has a rule that only Big 10 players can be used at games hosted by Big 10 members. In light of the injustice that was outrageously understated Saturday, the Big 10 should request that in any game played in a Big 10 stadium, visiting teams like Notre Dame should provide a crew of six players to suit and play for the Big 10 host. These six should include at least two starters from both offense and defense, plus an undersized white kid to run up and down the sideline slapping helmets.
  • Third, the Big 10 should request that the Notre Dame-Michigan State game should not go into the record books as a win or loss by either team in light of the level of sorry-ass give-up. We all know who was winning for pretty much the whole entire game and who should have won and who sucks like big sucky suckheads. Let’s be real for five seconds, and stop acting like an outjustice wasn’t underageously instated.
  • Fourth, the Big 12 should place on the appropriate agendas of NCAA meetings and meetings of the conference commissioners a discussion of how the “final score” process should be implemented. Outrageously will this injustice be understated.

Since Michigan State University and its officials are required by conference sportsmanship rules to limit their comments in situations like this, we must look to you as the commissioner of the Big 10 Conference to vigorously demand that your teams be treated fairly, ragously, and with stated justice, when they roll over and play dead.

It is truly sad and deeply disappointing that members of MSU’s football team should be deprived of the outcome of the game that they deserved after three quarters because of an inexcusable breakdown in Notre Dame qutting.


David L. Boren
President, The Waaaaaaahniversity of Oklawaaaaaaaaama

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

2006, Week 1 - Just a Dreadful Weekend of Football

Just awful.

It looked bleak going in, with only two games between ranked teams and virtually no conference play. But the college game abhors a vacuum, which meant surely something good would happen.

Oklahoma-TCU springs to mind. Northern Illinois-Maryland.

Nope. Nothing.

The only mildly interesting result was Montana State, a I-AA power, beating Colorado, an occasional I-A power, giving The Index an excuse to mention an update on Katie Blair, Ms. Teen Montana 2006 whose march to the Ms. Teen USA is chronicled below.

Used to touch underwear for money
Turns out, back in Billings, she worked in a Victoria’s Secret (bottom of the article). Does that count as interesting? Vaguely tawdry? I’m leaning toward no, but her forehead-to-the-eye move against Ms. North Carolina remains the hit of the year after this boring weekend.

So without a single quirky result to catch the attention, we’re left with two actually-pretty-friggin’-pedestrian Big Games.

One, later today, features the increasingly unwatchable antics of Miami-FSU. UPDATE: Man, did that suck. Again. I'm expecting Summer Redstone to make a public and embarrassing break with FSU-Miami any minute. When was their last entertaining game? 02? 97?

And the other, as it happened, featured me.

On to The Index....

On the weekend, more or less, of the Katrina anniversary, another stark reminder of the distance between...
The Haves and Have-Nots

20-0: Ranked teams-vs-unranked teams this weekend.
29.14: Avg Margin of victory in those non-upsets.

  • Outliers:
    4: ND margin over Georgia Tech (With an up-and-over from the refs. Try to imagine)
    7: OU margin over UAB
    48: Clemson margin over Florida Atlantic
    49: Texas margin over North Texas

Have Vs Have-Nots II
: BCS conference teams-vs-nonBCS teams.

  • ACC: 5-1
  • Big East: 4-0
  • Pac 10: 5-0
  • SEC: 5-0
  • Big 10: 10-0
  • Big 12: 10-2
  • Lessons: While the Pac 10, Big East and SEC went big, with only 14 games against defenseless teams between them, every single Big 12 team and every Big 10 team but one (Michigan) hit off a tee.

2: Victories, I-AA teams-VS-BCS teams - Montana State over Colorado; Richmond over OklaDuke.
1: Victories, all I-A non-BCS teams-VS-BCS teams, and that doesn’t even count since it was BCS-dreamer TCU, ranked No. 22, over BCS-subsidy-sponge Baylor.

The Big East: Now free of lightweights like Miami and BC, is Really Good.
: Big East vs rest of BCS
2-1: Big East vs ACC
Rutgers beat North Carolina and Pittsburgh stomped Virginia. Only lowly Wake’s win over lowlier Syracuse salvaged the weekend for the ACC.

Creampuff Scheduling: Is the Big 12 the new 'start calling from the bottom' SEC? Is the SEC the new 'anybody, anytime' WAC?
: I-AA opponents played this weekend by the Big 12. Pitiful.
0: BCS-conference opponents played by the Big 12.
1: I-AA opponents played by the SEC.
4: BCS opponents played by the SEC.

More SEC: Hitting the Heavy Bag Like It Grabbed His Ass In An Elevator
: 2005 conference champs on SEC non-conference schedule this weekend
60: Percent of all Rose Bowl participants since 2003 that SEC teams took on this weekend (USC, Washington State, Michigan. All of whom, to tie it in a bow, lost to Big 12 teams in those Rose Bowls) .

2: Additional games played by SEC teams against higher ranked teams (No. 9 Cal, No. 13 Louisville)

Big 12: Sure, they might schedule like cowards. But they actually suck.
: Big 12 losses this weekend to non-BCS teams, including I-AA Montana State.
2: End-of-game 2pt-Conversion attempts that failed against Big 12 teams, saving the conference from two more non-BCS losses – Iowa State 45-Toledo 43; Kansas State 24-I-AA Illinois State 23.

Sorry as that is for League Pride, they were pretty good games...
3:28: time remaining when I-AA Illinois State, a point down, went for two and the win at Kansas State.
70: Length of drive they’d just engineered for touchdown.
2: Years since Kansas State played in - and should have won - a BCS bowl.
0: Offensive TDs scored by KSU against Illinois State. In their first post-Bill Snyder-era game, the Wildcats got 3 FGS, a punt return and a fumble return on a muffed kickoff.

5: Overtime games in Iowa State history prior to this weekend.
0: Wins in those games.
2: In years, length of current streak of an overtime loss costing Iowa State a spot in the Big 12 title game.
3: Iowa State TDs in overtime to beat Toledo when Toledo failed to match Iowa State’s mandatory 2-pt conversion in the third OT.
367: Total passing yards for Toledo’s Clint Cochran.
99: Yards in first-half scoring drive for Toledo
2: Points scored by Toledo on the ensuing conversion of that drive, off of a blocked PAT kick (!)

Call down an Echo
: situation faced by Toledo, trailing by a TD, late in the fourth quarter.
30: Yards in ensuing completion
3: Yardline on which receiver was tackled by hometeam, leading to a QB-dive touchdown on next play.

No word on whether or not the running back pushed Cochran in. Or length of the grass.

And Now – Cal-Tennessee:

- VS -

This Was Never Going To Be Close

.13: estimated success rate, baton catches, of baton twirler in Cal band, according to two dumb-founded, Arthur Dent-like Cal fans as they watched the Tennessee band – with 7 astounding-in-every-respect baton twirlers - march down University into the stadium. It was a moment that culminated four hours of watching a small but resolute band of Cal fans wonder about the tank- and tube-top littered campus, slack jawed and wide-eyed at the Wonka-with-a-tan spectacle of an SEC gameday.
Come on in, boys. The water’s fine.
The Index cannot confirm that the Cal players spent the morning doing the same thing, but it’s a tempting rumor.

As for the Death Of Cal and the emergence of Tennessee as the New Economy of the ’06 season…
42, 80, 50, 43: Length of last four of five Tennessee touchdown plays between second and third quarter to runaway from Cal:

  • - blown tackle breakaway pass
    - blown tackle breakaway pass
    - blown tackle breakaway pass
    - blow tackle breakaway run

If that’s Tennessee’s secret weapon for the year, good luck in the SEC.
44: Cal passing attempts between two QBs.
20: Cal completions.
2: Interceptions
10: Minimum, Cal on-the-hands, openfield drops.

Tennessee played big in a home opener; Cal, with a new QB and laughably high expectations, did the little things wrong and got beat big for it.

But, unfortunately for Cal, they're going to take a full-marks bashing from everybody who saw it because, this weekend, everything else sucked.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Screw Preseason Polls. Let's Check Out Chicks

And, we’re back!

The College Football Season is just a few weeks off, and what better way to kick things off at the Index than to get an early gauge on the state of jailbait in all 50 states. Because what good college football experience doesn’t include starring at jailbait?

Ladies and Gentleman, from the Family-Friendly Network that brought you a 6-Episode miniseries on Biblical Endtimes, the Miss Teen USA Pageant Running Diary!

(No time stamps on this one. But all real-time commentary)

• Somebody just flipped on a TV in the newsroom. MissTeen USA. And its on mute. perfect. I've never watched a Miss Teen USA before. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've never actually watched a beauty pageant, wire to wire, before. Probably because its never on mute when they start.
Let's keep a diary!

• Let me toss these names at you as they make their perky debuts: Degan Elizabeth; Payton; Ashley; Halley; Jessica Bre; Brianne; Tiffany Rachelle, Raegan (yes, with the ‘ae’).

Has the age of slutty-hot Courtneys passed us by? How about Brittanys (though I have to believe no decent raving Pageant Mom would enter their daughter under that name anymore, right? Britany must be just behind John-Benet for beauty pageant sure-death).
UPDATE: Can't believe I missed a chance to reference college football's own slutty-hot Courtney.

• To the talent: they may have tumbled from BCS contention, but you want NO PART of Tennessee or Nebraska, my friend. Or Kansas. Throw in Rhode Island for my final four.

• One-seeds-any-other-year: Degan from Alaska (!), Montana, Alabama and Ohio. Ohio, it turns out, also produced last year's champ, who is back to pass on the crown and is threatening to run the current field out of the building - holy shit - Allie Laforce, everybody. Round on the ends, hi in the middle, O-hi-O, indeed.
Ohio Will Try To Do Better This Year

• Louisanna is a gunner, too. Mississippi is a bit disappointing but overall, as expected, the SEC is out quickly. The I-35 corridor - Kansas, Nebraska, Oklahoma - is running even with the Big 10 for second.

• not a playa no mo': Texas, California. Hugely disappointing. Did the rose bowl not teach us that it’s all about homegrown talent?

• The 'Had To Send Somebody'-crowd: New Mexico, New York, New Jersey. yuck.
Rough start for “New” in the always fun three-way derby between the “North,” “South” and “New” states.

• Here's a favorite sublot of mine: A typical distribution ofblack girls – less than 10 but enough to notice in the big scheme. But I like where they’re from: DC and South Carolina (plausible) and Oregon, New Hampshire, Colorado and Wisconsin.
Really? Wouldn’t have taken any of those last four as a minority entrant on a dare. Well, maybe Spanish from Colorado, but otherwise, that’s white-girl Homeland territory.

• Also, having New Hampshire in that pool is not good news for the “New” states. If, as always, the Beauty Pageant conforms to the 80s Action Film-approach to minorities, we can expect one – maybe two, tops - to survive the first cut/opening massacre, with no shot of going any deeper.

• And in the judge's booth: Carl ByGawd Lewis!!!!!!!!!! Wow. Pretty much the best athlete of the 20th century (we can debate it elsewhere), and here he is, rating jailbait for scale and a week in Palm Springs.

• Here’s something: The other two guy judges are no-name soap opera actors or whatever, and both are suspiciously relaxed, as is the boy-bandy guy host. Very suspicious. Imagine if your agent said, “go spend a week in Palm Springs with 50 hot, underage girls who have never left Iowa and all want to meet famous guys. And stay out of trouble,” what would you look like by showtime? Probably not relaxed or peppy, like these guys, unless you were gay and genuinely just interested in the dresses.
Any chance NBC’s insurance company gave them a discount if they produced all-gay judges? That’s what I’d do. I mean, can you afford even ONE case of "He-said-he’d-get-me-an-agent" in a TEEN beauty contest?

• Here's your first cut, to 15, with word-associations (SPOILER: careful with that link. the winner is posted on the site):
  • Oklahoma (hitter)
  • Michigan (no factor)
  • Nebraska (holy cow...)
  • North carolina (dark horse)
  • Montana (‘A’ game)
  • Georgia (hold the phone! Georgia's back – not sure how I missed her in the intros)
  • North Dakota (who?)
  • Kansas (hammer)
  • Arizona (only 'A'-state I DIDN'T like)
  • Alabama (pure heat. this might already be over)
  • Florida (gives herself the 'had it all along' clap as she walks out. complete bitch)
  • virginia (major rally since the intro - could be trouble)
  • and - called it - rhode island.

• rhodi gets the dramatic last-name-called.

• that's two britneys (there goes my theory), two katies, an emerald, a morgan, a Gentry and a Shaelyn in the Final 15.

• Now the Swimsuit comp, which though morally repulsive, will be reported with my Rorschach-test reactions:
  • OU: volleyball. maybe even too much abs. complete package.
  • Michigan: get out
  • UGA: Too much nose.
  • NEB: hers to lose.
  • UNC: already forgotten what she looks like and she's still onscreen
  • South Carolina: hot black girl, if you need her.
  • Montana: best rack yet. legs, smile.... right there with OU and NEb.
  • North dakota: more teeth than ass. Get out.
  • kansas: best legs, but annoying attitude. just fell off the top tier.
  • arizona: 5 years out from 2 bills.
  • FL: perfect and she knows it. Public enemy #1. and fair or not, I want her to the pay the karma-price of having to put up with that Florida State chick whose managed to ride her boob jobs to ninth-teir fame this off-season.
  • maryland: all the tools but a little too pleased with herself. a little too much chin.
  • jersey: "my friends already hooked up - can i get a ride?"
  • UVA: could be OU in a different suit. wow.
  • Rhodi!!!! My favorite. brunette, stacked, long legs, great walk, happy to be here and working hard but with a delightful sense of 'already over this.'

• As you can see, I’ve given up NOT identifying each chick with her state’s flagship football team. Easier to type. Easier to stereotype.

• New AP Poll: OU, Nebraska, Montana and Rhodi.

• Swimsuit competition was awesome. If there were fake ones, I didn't spot 'em. fake ones must be out, like in porn.

• Our cute cops reporter called me out for staring during the swimsuit comp. we giggled back and forth and then acted shocked together that they have a swimsuit comp. for 17 year old girls.

• next cut to 10 (really? 15 down to 10? Is that worth it?).

  • UGA, from roswell, GA.
  • Rhodi!!!! gets it out of the way early
  • Montana. Feels like she’s just taking caring of business in these early rounds, just doing enough to win.
  • UVA, from "Jeffersonton, VA" - really
  • Jersey. Still draggin' the anchor....
  • Gentry Linn(!) from the great state of kansas!
  • MD - and again, too pleased about it. An early favorite, I’ve turned on her completely.
  • North Carolina.
  • North Dakota – I guess the “Norths” win.

• One to go, and my picks are getting shut out!

• Arizona!

• FIX!!!!

• This is an outrage. Although I had Rhodi from the top, they basicly just drew a line across the SEC, which means all the hot ones are gone. This must be the inevitable "keep the ugly girls watching" cut.

• Outside of Rhodi and Montana and MAYBE UVA, there’s nobody left. Although the reduced competition puts Georgia back in it.

• oh god, they've started singing!


• Evening gowns.

• Sly use of wardrobe here: there’s more breasts on display here than in the bikinis. I think those were all hold’em-down tops in the swimsuit, which they can say was appropriate. Now we're halfway to a Nelly video.

• Rhodi and Montana just drove away with this. Climbed in their '91 VW Cabriolets and DROVE THE FUCK AWAY.
Like wind through an open fucking door.
You want a dark horse: Virginia, in a great blue dress, led the peleton across the line, 20 minutes back, so maybe she'll get lucky. But Rhodi and Montana are 1 and 1a.

• In the crowd, sitting next to Ohio's defending champ Laforce, is the reigning Miss USA. And, my but do those three or four years take a bite, don’ they? How patently vicious is this, to show us a mid-20s beauty queen here, knowing it can ONLY elicit a reaction along the lines of “she looks old.” How utterly manipulative of the producers.
Great move.
Having said that, next to Ohio-2005 Holly Wholesome, Miss USA basicly looks like the subject of an episode of Intervention. holy cow, eat something, you over-the-hill-at-22 skag!

• I just emailed Danny (Texas grad) that this thing is over unless somebody pulls a Vince Young on Rhodi’s inevitable march to the crown. Or tiara, or whatever.

• Here we go to the 5!

• Tar Heel - BOOOOOOO!!!!!! No wonder Reddick had to stay drunk all the time.
• Wait - that was some special award, not a finalst. They just gave Colorado’s girl a “miss congeniality” too, so no cuts yet, shooshie.

• OK - I've endured 2 segments of shopping last week and singing. If they don't cut some fat after these commercials, I'm done.

• 'OK, here we go, Top 5. Same format: finalist and first impression that snaps into my mind.

  • North Dakota - sorority slut queen. instantly hate her.
  • Georgia - rack to match the nose. lucky to get this far.
  • North Carolina - Should have seen the hate-you look she got from the loser she hugged when they called her!
  • Montana - drunkest girl here. That’s the best way to sum her up - she’s having the most fun, entirely because because she’s so fine that she can behave however she wants.
  • Virginia. Basicly, North Dakota with a blue dress on.

• I'm stunned. It didn’t even occur to me that Rhodi wasn’t going to make the final hand-holding. North Dakota and UVA are probably the same person. No WAY they’re ahead of Rhodi. Me and Peter Griffin are both outraged.
Thinks Miss Rhode Island Got Jammed

• The dreaded interviews…. on mute with captions. Really, what TV isn’t improved like this?

• Montana just incorrectly defined integrity ("someone who is driven toward their goal"), North Carolina said her ‘world peace’-issue was bumping up the driving age from 15 to 16 and Virginia went Superstar and said her life is best defined by the lyrics to some pop song, which she quoted. Also, Virginia has so much eye make up on, it looks like her eyes have been gauged out.

• I think UGA and UNC are back in it. UGA has the tits and UNC has the personality vote locked up.

• Final strut-your-stuff close-ups.

• And down goes Geogia. Completely falls apart. No love from the camera from 4ft in.

• Geico-hack North Carolina looks great and really has it working. This could be close.

• Nope. Show’s over folks. Montana just came out. Mail it in. Full-fucking-marks to the pride of Billings.

• Virginia’s up with the make-up-by-Pollack, but it’s over.

• Last segment: Miss Ohio '05 for her farewell walk - I think she beats Billings head to head, but its close.

•Ernst & Young-certified results, by the way.

Roll Call
5th: UGA. WOW, do they hustle them off fast!
4: UVA. Anorexia. Count on it.
3: North Dakota. Four years from now: “No really, I was in the final 5 in Miss Teen when I was a freshm- no, not Miss Teen Single Mom, the Real Miss Teen, asshole!”

• And it all comes down to this:

• Wow! What a closing move by Montana! As she and No’th Cakilaky (far and away my favorite riff on a state name) grab hands for the big announcement, UNC sort of wants to make eye contact and do a fun little “best friends no matter what, right?” hug thing. Montana isn’t having it – she leans all the way in with her head and, as I saw it, deliberately grinds her forehead into UNC’s eyebrow.
It was straight-up UFC-style and the Carolina chick visibly recoiled. 'Here, have some Integrity.'
Montana hid it behind a little ‘this-is-such-a-crazy-moment-for-us!’bounce-thing, but I know a finishing move when I see one.
There can be only one, bitch.

• This just hit me - after 49 cuts (including DC) its the classic rivalry:
Dynamite brunette personality vs blinding blonde hotness

If I have to tell you who won, I don't think we've met.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

"Late in the Day, and I Ain't Been On The Court Yet...."

70.86: Average number of days with sunshine in Anchorage, Alaska between April 1st and the first televised game of 2006, South Carolina at Mississippi State (computed from this excellent weather page). That's an intriguing game, by the way: Spurrier in Year 2 walking into a solid (but not classic) Thursday Night Trap.

81.14: Remaining days in period, on some of which - but certainly not all of which - the Index might publish. But it will have to be good.

For now, if you've stumbled across The Index, Welcome! Take a look on the right side of the page at "Is This Blog For You?" If you think it might be, here are some links to our past posts, grouped by likely interests, that I hope will convince you to come back for 2006.

- 2005 Season Preview
- Greatest Weekend Ever?
- No? How about this one?

- Auburn, UGA and holy shit besides!

Big 10
- Big 10 Calculus
- The high-flyin', death-defying, runnin' gunnin', defense shunnin' Big 10! (read down a ways)

Texas and thereabouts
Rose Bowl Spills Down Under
- Go, Fight, Hell, Texas, Yeah - What exactly is a 1-point safety? And what is with those lyrics?
- Some lesser known trivia on Bud Wilkinson's streak at OU

- The ASU pornleader
- Rose Bowl Spills Down Under - Good USC story
- A Nostradom-ian analysis of USC's early-2004 efforts, and a classic Chris Rix performance against Miami.

- 2005 Army (high school) All-American Game - featuring the Main Stage-debut of USC's Mark Sanchez, LSU's Ryan Perilloux and one of the greatest showboating-dumbass moments ever captured on film.
- The complete 2003 Jan 1 and BCS bowls (long, but fun - Carson, Clarrett, Chris Simms and the fabulous Michigan-Florida game)

Feel free to write (email is vaguely listed on the right) and enjoy the summer (and if anything good comes up, I'll put it below this post).

Monday, April 17, 2006

It's In The Game II

Race For The Heisman

Saturday, April 15, 2006

It's In The Game

Since EA Sports can't pick one, we'll decide.

Since Carson got the cover 2 years ago, it surely won't be Leinart. Which leaves Reggie Vs VY.

So is it gonna be Reggie....

Or - Reggie-for-the-VY-Faithful.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006


The Biggest Hit That Ever Was

That's Texas A&M's Quinton Coryott against TCU in the early '90s.

You are free to think that somewhere, somehow, you saw a more ferocious trainwreck-lick than that one. But this hit - miraculously posted to YouTube recently - was a seminal event in sculpting the world view of The Index. I don't (and never did) have any particular penchant for A&M. Quite the opposite, in fact.

But, 10 years later, probably not a month has gone by that I haven't mentioned that hit in an email or conversation.

It's the hit The Index measures all other hits by.

Brought to The Index's attention by EveryDayShouldBeSaturday

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Another Shameless USC Plug



The Onion.

This marks the second time that the earth's best comedy site has taken a run at SC's Glamour Boys. I couldn't be prouder.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Rose Bowl Spills Down Under

Needless to say, took this pic in Australia. We made the Aussie Open the anchor of a 2-week vacation that I will prattle on about at great length if you care to write me about it.
Never did find the Hook'Em guy in this picture.
But you know I couldn't run up a UT flag without throwing some USC-salute at it.
That same night, on our side of the stadium, I spotted a guy maybe 10 rows ahead of us.
Maroon tshirt, with yellow lettering on the back: “Tommy Does Miami.”

Well, there’s your Orange Bowl.

The night rolls along (I think this was a Lindsey Davenport match), and I get up to walk out for a break. So does USC guy. From the stairs above him, I give him a ‘V’ and “Fight On.”
He smiles and stops. He’s mid-to-late 40s, skinny in a nervous kind of way. Maybe a little jumpy. Kind of guy who, well, would wear a football t-shirt to a tennis match in Australia.
He waits for me at the exit: I say: “Hel-“
“I had cancer.”
He just says it. Just like that. Whammo. Which, I figured, bought him an extra turn talking.
“After that, I decided if I was going to do it, I was going to do it right. Since then, I’ve been to three straight Australian Opens here, and every USC football game.”
Through my astonishment, I’m proud to report I managed to ask: “Home and away?”
“All of them.”
So I guess he wins.
By the way – no “Hi”, no “What’s your name?”, no “j’go’da SC?” nonsense. Apparently this guy does conversations-with-strangers like he does sporting events – no time to kill.
We’re walking now, down the steps, out of the tunnel. I go for it:
“What did you think of the Rose Bowl?”
He stops smiling. He shakes his head once. Then he shrugs and nods, like someone had just said something he agrees with.
“I’d rather watch the Rose Bowl 100 times than get radiation therapy.”
Fastball, fastball, curve – have a seat, rook. He’s been here before

Friday, March 03, 2006


12: Minimum months beyond 18th birthday that still qualifies as "barely 18" according to less-than-authoratative biography and title in video cannon of former ASU cheerleader known professionally as Courtney Simpson.

The full story is here.

2, 3, 14, 18, 19, 20, 22: Numbers that also appear in titles of Simpson's work, according to a search engine called Search Extreme, which a little google work will get you to. It's certainly deep-end level material. The "14," for example, involves a fellow actor named Max Hardcore, which, as you may know, never ends well.

Where's Jim Healy when you need him, because she's a lovely lady and my apologies to her.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Rose Bowl

Got plenty of thoughts on the Rose Bowl, but not for this space.

I put them on my White Noise blog - I even spelled Requiem right.

Song Girl

It's funny. it is.

And while we're at it, the Florida State Scorching Sluts and the definitive picture of the In-WAY-Over-My-Head look.

From Colin Cowherd

Sure he steals stuff from other blogs - but these are excelent stats.

Texas QBs in the NFL, all-time yardage leaders.

1 - Don't you tell me about Bobby Layne (duh).
2 - Chris Simms. Yip, already, the 2nd most successfull UT QB ever in the pros.
3 and 4 - somebody else.
5 - Tom byGawd Landry.

4: Bowl Wins that Fresno State's QB failed to capture as a starter when FSU
lost to Tulsa in the Autozone Liberty Bowl - which would have made him the first QB in history to win 4 Bowl games.

This Week's Number: 3

3 : Heisman Finalists.

Go ahead. Start the Rant music...

Only 3 guys are going to the heisman award. i'm not positive why - either no one else got enough votes to qualify for an invite, or the NYAC just picked the Big 3. Three guys from 2 schools? THE 2 schools? the winner certainly needs to be Young or Bush - either is fine with me - but to not pick 2 others to come out and share a little spotlight is a disgrace. it's not like there aren't candidates.

Brady Quinn has better numbers in every serious category than Leinart (both, obviously, eclipse Young as a passer), and he outplayed Leinart badly in their showdown. How is the story of Quinn's season not on par with Carson's in 02, when he brought SC back from the Darkness? Is that not what Quinn has done, on an even bigger stage?

How about the superb Mike Haas at Oregon State? Absurd stats, and, effectively, the only serious player on his team - short of VY, has any one player been more vital to his team?

Or my man Brett Basanez? So he lost big to Ohio State... so what? With that funky spread offense he passed for a hair short of 3000 yds, ran for almost 400 and kept NU afloat into mid November. that's not worth a chair in NY?

And I guess they don't play football in the SEC - here's some heresy: if you switched DJ Shockley and Vince Young, UT might get a half-a-click drop off. the difference between them is almost entirely their preseason expectations, which were astronomical for VY and sub-zero for Shockley. Turns out, DJ has been fantastic all year, made countless pressure plays and only dragged his team to the championship of the SEC. His only loss was that miracle that Auburn pulled off (he was out for Florida).

Here's DJ v VY passing

210.1: Yards/Game, UGA's DJ Shockley
230.8: Yards/Game, UT's Vince Young

8.3: Yards/Pass, UGA's DJ Shockley
9.7: Yards/Pass, UT's Vince Young

21: TDs, DJ
26: TDs, VY

5: INTs, DJ
10: INTs, VY

If you need 20 extra yards per game, I guess you take VY. But if you could do with 50-percent less interceptions, then DJ might be a better QB.

DJ also rushed for 250 in an offense he wasn't supposed to. In Greg Davis' 'create space' scheme, he'd have been good for a lot more.

Feel free to make the same argument for LSU's Jamarcus Russel, who led the SEC in yards and wins, was never sick at sea on the toughest schedule in the country, and did it all with Fats Domino sleeping in his dorm room besides.

Of course, what they SHOULD have done is let two defense guys come to NY. Just for the effort. AJ Hawk, maybe? Or that Penn State guy who's supposed to be so good.
Or somebody from that Alabama D?

But 3 guys? THOSE three guys? Disgraceful.