And, we’re back!
The College Football Season is just a few weeks off, and what better way to kick things off at the Index than to get an early gauge on the state of jailbait in all 50 states. Because what good college football experience doesn’t include starring at jailbait?
Ladies and Gentleman, from the Family-Friendly Network that brought you a 6-Episode miniseries on Biblical Endtimes, the Miss Teen USA Pageant Running Diary!
(No time stamps on this one. But all real-time commentary)
• Somebody just flipped on a TV in the newsroom. MissTeen USA. And its on mute. perfect. I've never watched a Miss Teen USA before. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've never actually watched a beauty pageant, wire to wire, before. Probably because its never on mute when they start.
Let's keep a diary!
• Let me toss these names at you as they make their perky debuts: Degan Elizabeth; Payton; Ashley; Halley; Jessica Bre; Brianne; Tiffany Rachelle, Raegan (yes, with the ‘ae’).
Has the age of slutty-hot Courtneys passed us by? How about Brittanys (though I have to believe no decent raving Pageant Mom would enter their daughter under that name anymore, right? Britany must be just behind John-Benet for beauty pageant sure-death).
UPDATE: Can't believe I missed a chance to reference college football's own slutty-hot Courtney.
• To the talent: they may have tumbled from BCS contention, but you want NO PART of Tennessee or Nebraska, my friend. Or Kansas. Throw in Rhode Island for my final four.
• One-seeds-any-other-year: Degan from Alaska (!), Montana, Alabama and Ohio. Ohio, it turns out, also produced last year's champ, who is back to pass on the crown and is threatening to run the current field out of the building - holy shit - Allie Laforce, everybody. Round on the ends, hi in the middle, O-hi-O, indeed.
• Louisanna is a gunner, too. Mississippi is a bit disappointing but overall, as expected, the SEC is out quickly. The I-35 corridor - Kansas, Nebraska, Oklahoma - is running even with the Big 10 for second.
• not a playa no mo': Texas, California. Hugely disappointing. Did the rose bowl not teach us that it’s all about homegrown talent?
• The 'Had To Send Somebody'-crowd: New Mexico, New York, New Jersey. yuck.
Rough start for “New” in the always fun three-way derby between the “North,” “South” and “New” states.
• Here's a favorite sublot of mine: A typical distribution ofblack girls – less than 10 but enough to notice in the big scheme. But I like where they’re from: DC and South Carolina (plausible) and Oregon, New Hampshire, Colorado and Wisconsin.
Really? Wouldn’t have taken any of those last four as a minority entrant on a dare. Well, maybe Spanish from Colorado, but otherwise, that’s white-girl Homeland territory.
• Also, having New Hampshire in that pool is not good news for the “New” states. If, as always, the Beauty Pageant conforms to the 80s Action Film-approach to minorities, we can expect one – maybe two, tops - to survive the first cut/opening massacre, with no shot of going any deeper.
• And in the judge's booth: Carl ByGawd Lewis!!!!!!!!!! Wow. Pretty much the best athlete of the 20th century (we can debate it elsewhere), and here he is, rating jailbait for scale and a week in Palm Springs.
• Here’s something: The other two guy judges are no-name soap opera actors or whatever, and both are suspiciously relaxed, as is the boy-bandy guy host. Very suspicious. Imagine if your agent said, “go spend a week in Palm Springs with 50 hot, underage girls who have never left Iowa and all want to meet famous guys. And stay out of trouble,” what would you look like by showtime? Probably not relaxed or peppy, like these guys, unless you were gay and genuinely just interested in the dresses.
Any chance NBC’s insurance company gave them a discount if they produced all-gay judges? That’s what I’d do. I mean, can you afford even ONE case of "He-said-he’d-get-me-an-agent" in a TEEN beauty contest?
• Here's your first cut, to 15, with word-associations (SPOILER: careful with that link. the winner is posted on the site):
- Oklahoma (hitter)
- Michigan (no factor)
- Nebraska (holy cow...)
- North carolina (dark horse)
- Montana (‘A’ game)
- Georgia (hold the phone! Georgia's back – not sure how I missed her in the intros)
- North Dakota (who?)
- Kansas (hammer)
- Arizona (only 'A'-state I DIDN'T like)
- Alabama (pure heat. this might already be over)
- Florida (gives herself the 'had it all along' clap as she walks out. complete bitch)
- virginia (major rally since the intro - could be trouble)
- and - called it - rhode island.
• rhodi gets the dramatic last-name-called.
• that's two britneys (there goes my theory), two katies, an emerald, a morgan, a Gentry and a Shaelyn in the Final 15.
• Now the Swimsuit comp, which though morally repulsive, will be reported with my Rorschach-test reactions:
- OU: volleyball. maybe even too much abs. complete package.
- Michigan: get out
- UGA: Too much nose.
- NEB: hers to lose.
- UNC: already forgotten what she looks like and she's still onscreen
- South Carolina: hot black girl, if you need her.
- Montana: best rack yet. legs, smile.... right there with OU and NEb.
- North dakota: more teeth than ass. Get out.
- kansas: best legs, but annoying attitude. just fell off the top tier.
- arizona: 5 years out from 2 bills.
- FL: perfect and she knows it. Public enemy #1. and fair or not, I want her to the pay the karma-price of having to put up with that Florida State chick whose managed to ride her boob jobs to ninth-teir fame this off-season.
- maryland: all the tools but a little too pleased with herself. a little too much chin.
- jersey: "my friends already hooked up - can i get a ride?"
- UVA: could be OU in a different suit. wow.
- Rhodi!!!! My favorite. brunette, stacked, long legs, great walk, happy to be here and working hard but with a delightful sense of 'already over this.'
• As you can see, I’ve given up NOT identifying each chick with her state’s flagship football team. Easier to type. Easier to stereotype.
• New AP Poll: OU, Nebraska, Montana and Rhodi.
• Swimsuit competition was awesome. If there were fake ones, I didn't spot 'em. fake ones must be out, like in porn.
• Our cute cops reporter called me out for staring during the swimsuit comp. we giggled back and forth and then acted shocked together that they have a swimsuit comp. for 17 year old girls.
• next cut to 10 (really? 15 down to 10? Is that worth it?).
- UGA, from roswell, GA.
- Rhodi!!!! gets it out of the way early
- Montana. Feels like she’s just taking caring of business in these early rounds, just doing enough to win.
- UVA, from "Jeffersonton, VA" - really
- Jersey. Still draggin' the anchor....
- Gentry Linn(!) from the great state of kansas!
- MD - and again, too pleased about it. An early favorite, I’ve turned on her completely.
- North Carolina.
- North Dakota – I guess the “Norths” win.
• One to go, and my picks are getting shut out!
• This is an outrage. Although I had Rhodi from the top, they basicly just drew a line across the SEC, which means all the hot ones are gone. This must be the inevitable "keep the ugly girls watching" cut.
• Outside of Rhodi and Montana and MAYBE UVA, there’s nobody left. Although the reduced competition puts Georgia back in it.
• oh god, they've started singing!
• Evening gowns.
• Sly use of wardrobe here: there’s more breasts on display here than in the bikinis. I think those were all hold’em-down tops in the swimsuit, which they can say was appropriate. Now we're halfway to a Nelly video.
• Rhodi and Montana just drove away with this. Climbed in their '91 VW Cabriolets and DROVE THE FUCK AWAY.
Like wind through an open fucking door.
You want a dark horse: Virginia, in a great blue dress, led the peleton across the line, 20 minutes back, so maybe she'll get lucky. But Rhodi and Montana are 1 and 1a.
• In the crowd, sitting next to Ohio's defending champ Laforce, is the reigning Miss USA. And, my but do those three or four years take a bite, don’ they? How patently vicious is this, to show us a mid-20s beauty queen here, knowing it can ONLY elicit a reaction along the lines of “she looks old.” How utterly manipulative of the producers.
Having said that, next to Ohio-2005 Holly Wholesome, Miss USA basicly looks like the subject of an episode of Intervention. holy cow, eat something, you over-the-hill-at-22 skag!
• I just emailed Danny (Texas grad) that this thing is over unless somebody pulls a Vince Young on Rhodi’s inevitable march to the crown. Or tiara, or whatever.
• Here we go to the 5!
• Tar Heel - BOOOOOOO!!!!!! No wonder Reddick had to stay drunk all the time.
• Wait - that was some special award, not a finalst. They just gave Colorado’s girl a “miss congeniality” too, so no cuts yet, shooshie.
• OK - I've endured 2 segments of shopping last week and singing. If they don't cut some fat after these commercials, I'm done.
• 'OK, here we go, Top 5. Same format: finalist and first impression that snaps into my mind.
- North Dakota - sorority slut queen. instantly hate her.
- Georgia - rack to match the nose. lucky to get this far.
- North Carolina - Should have seen the hate-you look she got from the loser she hugged when they called her!
- Montana - drunkest girl here. That’s the best way to sum her up - she’s having the most fun, entirely because because she’s so fine that she can behave however she wants.
- Virginia. Basicly, North Dakota with a blue dress on.
• I'm stunned. It didn’t even occur to me that Rhodi wasn’t going to make the final hand-holding. North Dakota and UVA are probably the same person. No WAY they’re ahead of Rhodi. Me and Peter Griffin are both outraged.
• The dreaded interviews…. on mute with captions. Really, what TV isn’t improved like this?
• Montana just incorrectly defined integrity ("someone who is driven toward their goal"), North Carolina said her ‘world peace’-issue was bumping up the driving age from 15 to 16 and Virginia went Superstar and said her life is best defined by the lyrics to some pop song, which she quoted. Also, Virginia has so much eye make up on, it looks like her eyes have been gauged out.
• I think UGA and UNC are back in it. UGA has the tits and UNC has the personality vote locked up.
• Final strut-your-stuff close-ups.
• And down goes Geogia. Completely falls apart. No love from the camera from 4ft in.
• Geico-hack North Carolina looks great and really has it working. This could be close.
• Nope. Show’s over folks. Montana just came out. Mail it in. Full-fucking-marks to the pride of Billings.
• Virginia’s up with the make-up-by-Pollack, but it’s over.
• Last segment: Miss Ohio '05 for her farewell walk - I think she beats Billings head to head, but its close.
•Ernst & Young-certified results, by the way.
5th: UGA. WOW, do they hustle them off fast!
4: UVA. Anorexia. Count on it.
3: North Dakota. Four years from now: “No really, I was in the final 5 in Miss Teen when I was a freshm- no, not Miss Teen Single Mom, the Real Miss Teen, asshole!”
• And it all comes down to this:
• Wow! What a closing move by Montana! As she and No’th Cakilaky (far and away my favorite riff on a state name) grab hands for the big announcement, UNC sort of wants to make eye contact and do a fun little “best friends no matter what, right?” hug thing. Montana isn’t having it – she leans all the way in with her head and, as I saw it, deliberately grinds her forehead into UNC’s eyebrow.
It was straight-up UFC-style and the Carolina chick visibly recoiled. 'Here, have some Integrity.'
Montana hid it behind a little ‘this-is-such-a-crazy-moment-for-us!’bounce-thing, but I know a finishing move when I see one.
There can be only one, bitch.
• This just hit me - after 49 cuts (including DC) its the classic rivalry:
Dynamite brunette personality vs blinding blonde hotness
If I have to tell you who won, I don't think we've met.