Thursday, February 05, 2009

N is for the Natchitoches Travelin' Pants-Shittin' Show!

Or, THE WORST F'IN FOOTBALL GAME EVER PLAYED
and Neil Diamond, besides


College Football is a recurring national Revival of local carnival barkers, traveling freak wagons and whistle-stop circus shows that thrill us and move on.

Some of what we see is Great and lingers in legend. Much is, as it must be, average, and some is dull and stagnant.

But occasionally one of College Football's circuses careens from "Thrilling" to "Grotesque."

This is such a time.

Specifically, this is the 3rd quarter performance of the Northwestern State (La.) Demons in their 2004 game at Nicholls State. Or, in honor of NWSU's deep-bayou hometown, the Index presents:

The Natchitoches Travelin' Pants-Shittin' Show

Thanks to
Y2Hood, a Nicholls State student who preserved these staggering four clips of football sorriness. Like a lost recording of Enrico Caruso or the Zapruder film, the tape is grainy and static-filled, but its power to mesmerize is full 1080p.

The game itself was at Nicholls State, which is in Thibodaux, La. a crossroads town best imagined as the bullseye-center of the hurricane-buffer bayou southwest of New Orleans, whose main industries are heat, flies and shrimp-boat solvent.

Natchitoc
hes, home to NWSU, sits far to the north in the state's rainforest interior, just east of the better-known Texas city of Nacodoches, with which it shares two traits: each town claims to be the oldest in their respective state, and both bear names rooted in grand Creole defiance of spoken English.

Though spelled nearly alike, Nacodoches is pronounced, roughly, "Nac-ah-DOE-shus" vs. Natchitoches, which is"NACK-ah-tush."

Little was at stake that night in Thibodaux, as both teams headed towards .500ish seasons, with Nicholls the favorite, and ahead 17-14 at the half. But in the middle of the third, the Demons offense came to the line on the Nichols 37.

And from the nearby canvas tent erected before the game, a gospel piano began to peel into the Louisianna night.....




Thhhhhhhhiiiiiii-Bodaux night,
with the Demons in town
and the grass on the ground smellin'
.... sweet...

Mooooove up the road
to the Stadium's gate
c'est chez Nicholls State
gettin'..... beat...

Sits a ragged team
Backed up to its goal.
And now its third-down,
With sixty-one to go!




Its Natch- rhymes with "whack"! - the Natchitoches Travelin' Pants-Shittin' Show!
(Halleja! Halleja!)
Pack up the babies
and give up a safety!
and drop easy throws!
Even wideouts are slow
In "Nack-a-tush's" Show.

Paaaassss..... on first down
and the ball's on a rope
he's alone as the Pope-
...incomplete...

Mooooovvveee.... on the line
and you do it two times
and they walk off the Dime
....gettin'... deep

Then the snap goes high!
From a shotgun call!
Why not give a boot
Hey, it's called 'football'!!

Its Natch - take the sack - the Natchitoches Travelin' Pants-Shittin' Show!
(Halleja! Halleja!)
Pack up the babies!
and give up a safety!
and drop easy throws!
Even wideouts are slow
In Natchitoches' Show!

(Hallelujah!)

(Halle, Halle-lujah!)

Corners!
(Hallelujah!)
I said, Corners!
(Halle, Halle-lujah!)
Now you got yourself two good hands!
(Hallelujah!)
Now when the bawl is underthrown you gots to reach out yo' one hand for it, cuz that's what it's thah fo'!
(Halle, Halle-lujah!)
And when yo' heart is troubled, you gots to tip that ball to the opposing reciever in fullstride and then knock over your teammate and both tumble to the ground for an easy TD, cuz that's what he's thah fo'!


(Hallelujah!)


Take this I-N-T
One of three this day!
Get knocked da F-out!
We still won't make the play!



Its Natch- take the sack - the Natchitoches Travelin' Pants-Shittin' Show!
(Halleja! Halleja!)
Pack up the babies!
and give up a safety!
and drop easy throws!
Even wideouts are slow
In Natchitoches' Show!


Bonus Clip: First Play of the 4th Quarter. THe Bayou Magic rolls along.

Do you dare to look away from nature's Cruelest Trick!






This took a while. Might need a day off for 'O'

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